


Semicolon

by Ava_now



Series: The Barden Collection [5]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Job Loss, Murder Trial, Nightmares, Suicide, arrest and processing, grand jury indictments, loss of a child, memorial service, parenting through grief, right to die issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-27 18:29:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30127041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Rafael Barba and Vanessa Rayden first met each other when she was part of an undercover FBI sting operation, trying to bust Brooklyn ADAs trading sex for plea deals.  A few years later, they were both working with Manhattan SVU when through a flurry of events, they ended up in witness protection together, posing as a married couple in North Carolina's Outer Banks.  They fell in love there, and after being returned to New York, the two married.  They took custody of a severely abused child named Lola with the hopes of one day adopting her.  The two had a daughter together named Lucy, and along with Max, Vanessa's son from a previous relationship, they were a happy family.But four years later, Lola has died, and Rafael and Vanessa are lost in their grief.  When Rafael commits one act he feels morally compelled to complete, he faces repercussions that could cause him to lose everything.  Can a family lose everything and really start again?
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Barden Collection [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1386178
Kudos: 4





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I recently had a request to add to my Barden AU. To be honest, I had written all but the last two chapters of one fic and had left it for over a year. I ended up taking that part down and this is going up instead. This fic will (obviously) be addressing the issues from The Undiscovered Country.
> 
> I hate to say it, but it WILL be helpful if readers are familiar with the fics prior to this one: Who We Are, Becoming, and 40 Weeks. Without these, it may be hard to understand Lola's relationship to the family as well as her struggles, and how this ties in with Rafael's choices and actions, as well as Vanessa's.
> 
> Comments and kudos are truly the motivational bread and butter writers live on here! Anything you can leave is well appreciated.

It had felt like an incredibly long drive since they left New York. In reality, it had been less than eight hours, but that amount of time in the car with a confused and unhappy preschooler would make for a long trip for anyone. At least, that’s what she told herself as she pulled up to the bungalow. Turning off the engine, she could hear Lucy’s rhythmic breathing as she slept, a soft in-out, in-out, and Vanessa took a moment to catch her own breath. Regardless of what her husband had said, it truly did feel like she’d been physically running all day, and she was exhausted.

After getting out of the car and unfastening Lucy’s carseat, she carried the preschooler around the side of the house to the front porch. Once she’d unlocked the door, she stepped inside and hit the light with her fingers crossed. The overhead light stuttered for a moment before shining clearly, and the fan began to spin. Breathing a sigh of relief, Vanessa made her way to the smaller bedroom that they’d always planned for the kids to share. She pulled the blankets and sheet back, then gently deposited her daughter onto one of the twin beds. Leaning down, she kissed Lucy’s cheek. The little girl’s eyes fluttered. “Momma?”

“I’m right here, love,” she whispered, kissing the little girl’s hand. “I love you. Go to sleep.”

“I miss my daddy...is he gonna be here soon?” Her little hands stroked her mother’s hair.

“We can call him tomorrow, sweetheart. How’s that sound?”

“Good. I wove you, Momma.” Lucy’s eyes slowly closed, and Vanessa could tell she was out for the night. She watched the little girl’s body relax and felt thankful that at least Lucy was able to rest. 

Maybe Rafael was right. Maybe leaving the city wasn’t going to bring her any respite, any peace.  _ Wherever you go, there you are, _ she reminded herself _. _ Regardless, all she had known this morning was that if she had to stay in Manhattan for one more minute, she was going to lose her mind. She had to get out, get away. And she had to have her baby with her. She would not lose her baby. She could not lose another one.

She got up and decided to empty as much of the car as she could before she went to bed. It took three or four trips to bring in their luggage and the few bags of groceries she’d grabbed before leaving this morning. She could still see her husband shoving the last bag into the SUV angrily as he told her she was abandoning him in a time of need.

You’re a fucking adult, she had told him, plus you know exactly where I am and how to get up with me. 

He could have come with but chose not to. He was suspended from work, anyway. So really, who was abandoning who?

Once everything was inside the house, she shut and locked the door, then dragged one of her suitcases into the master bedroom. Turning on the lamp, she pulled the suitcase onto the bed so she could unpack it, but then stopped and closed her eyes.

This room was full of so many memories, she thought, recalling the months that she and Rafael had spent hiding here, under aliases. For almost a year, this room had been the only space that she had been allowed to be Vanessa, and he, Rafael. They’d made love here for the first time, and fallen in love shortly thereafter. Even now, she could so easily picture the two of them laughing, crying, needing one another. Back then she’d grown so close to him, so attached, that she felt she couldn’t breathe if he wasn’t around, and he’d clung to her as though they literally shared one heart.

She’d felt that way, again, right after Lola’s death just months ago. The only way she knew to work through the grief was with him. It had flooded everything, nearly drowning both of them. But he’d been her life preserver just like before, and she was his, and they’d managed to stay afloat, to keep breathing. Until two days ago. Until Drew Householder.

She understood why he did it. It would almost have been easier if she hadn’t, if she could just write it off as some ridiculous overstep he’d made and know God was going to punish him for it, like most of the city believed right now. But she was the one person who completely understood the pressure he’d been under from himself, from his morality and his justification of their decision surrounding Lola, and his father before. She understood his need to believe they’d given a gift to Lola, to prove that by giving Drew that same gift. To prove that languishing between life and death was no life fit for a person, and a good man, a moral man, wouldn’t allow it to stand. 

But for her, it had been too much. Her heart was still too broken, she was too frail to hold either of them above water anymore. Lola’s death had left a hole in her that she had yet to fill. And instead of continuing to hold her hand and bring her back to life, Rafael had let go in an effort to fill his own emptiness. He’d been at Bellevue Children’s ward comforting Maggie Householder as he played Angel of Mercy to her son Drew. Rafael pulled the plug on another child to help make sense of pulling the plug on his own.

Still in her clothes, she lay back onto the pillow and closed her eyes. He’d told her he was in love with her here, in this house. If she couldn’t feel it in New York, maybe she could feel it here. Because despite everything--her emptiness, his need, all the goddamn neverending loss--she needed to feel loved by him. She needed it desperately.

  
  


_ It was hot and humid outside, despite the fact it was early in the morning. The air in the chapel was cooler, but there was no way she was going to feel comfortable. She was already sweating, even inside. _

_ She’d been surprised to see so many people at the church. It made her realize how many people cared, how many people had seen the good inside of Lola. So often, it had felt as though only she and Rafael remembered that Lola was just a little girl. She wasn’t evil, she wasn’t the sociopath her last therapist had insisted she was. She had just been a little girl who suffered tremendous trauma far too young, and no matter what they had tried, hadn’t been able to heal. _

_ She felt Rafael’s hand in hers; glancing at him, she saw the tears flowing freely from his eyes. He had loved Lola as though she had been his own daughter. He was sobbing softly, head bent and heart breaking. If only they’d been able to save her. If only. _

_ The minister was praying for her now, and Vanessa bowed her head and closed her eyes. The prayer ended and she opened them again, only to see Lola’s face just inches from her own. “You should’ve let me go years ago, you stupid bitch,” she hissed, spittle flying out of her mouth. Her pale gray skin was dry and she was thinner than Vanessa had ever seen her.  _

_ “I was trying to help you, sweetheart,” she told the girl, feeling her eyes well with tears. “I just wanted to help--” _

She woke up in the darkness, tears sliding down her face just as they had every night in Manhattan for months now. Tiredly, she tugged the comforter up higher and tried to erase the memory of yet another dream of grief.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Child death, end of life
> 
> ***  
> Even she couldn’t excuse what he’d done this time. But he hadn’t had a choice. Six months ago, they’d faced a very similar situation with Lola. Her brain had been deprived of oxygen too long, and the majority of her bodily functions were lost or failing. Machines were keeping her young body alive, but every bit of what they’d know of her no longer existed. They had talked for hours, prayed with ministers, consulted with doctors, even read everything from articles in neuroscience to verses from the Bible. And in the end, they had agreed the right thing to do was to unplug the ventilator and let Lola go to God. It had in one moment been both the most painful and peaceful experience of his life. When he stood before Drew a few days ago, Maggie sobbing by his side, all he could think about were the wings of his Lola. Lola was finally free, free of all the pain and abuse she’d suffered, and Drew could be free, too. Drew had a right to be free, he’d convinced himself. So did Maggie and Aaron.
> 
> Because the one thing he’d felt and never admitted aloud was the freedom he’d felt once Lola had died.
> 
> ***  
> Rafael shares McCoy may charge him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are very much appreciated.
> 
> Just a reminder--there is a trigger warning here for child death as well as ending life support. Please practice self-care.

Hearing the ring, she blindly swatted at the nightstand before realizing her phone was still in her pocket. She fished it out. “Mhello?”

“Did you guys make it? You never called me last night.” He didn’t sound angry. Just numb.

“Yeah, we did.” She yawned and stretched. “Sorry I didn’t call last night. It was late when we got in, and we both fell asleep.”

“It’s okay,” he told her. “Not like I was sleeping anyway.” There was a pause. “There’s talk that Jack McCoy’s going to charge me with second degree murder.”

She felt her stomach clench. How could that even be possible? Maggie Householder had wanted to end her son’s life. She knew the father, Aaron, hadn’t agreed, but they were talking about a child with little to no brain activity. How could that rise to second-degree murder? “No, that’s not possible. What you did was in that baby’s best interest. He’s got to know that.”

“I don’t know what good he thinks it’ll do to put me in jail, but he’s welcome to try. I guess it’s clear to say my illustrious career in the DA’s office is over.” There was a flatness, an emptiness in Rafael’s voice, and she was reminded of how passionate her husband had always been about his job.

“Rafael…” She was gripping the phone with white knuckles. “Are you sure you don’t want to come down here? Spend some time on the beach with your daughter...go grab coffee with me...we can watch bad TV and have sex late at night.”

“We could have done that here, too, Vanessa,” he argued, but there was barely any energy in his fight. “Except for the sand thing. But we could go to the park for that.”

“I needed to go,” she tried to explain, wiping the tear from her cheek. “I couldn’t breathe, Rafi. I needed to breathe.”

“I don’t want to be extradited, Vanessa. If he gets a true bill and I’m in North Carolina, deputies will come to the house and arrest me in front of our daughter. You do realize that, don’t you? That Lucy would see me put in handcuffs and taken away...and not by her aunts or uncles?”

She was silent for a moment. “I wish you would have thought about your daughter a little more before you turned so principled...if they return a true bill, the least of our worries is going to be your arrest and extradition. Lucy could grow up only knowing you from a jail cell.”

The heaviness of her words hit both of them suddenly, and she choked down a cry as she heard what she thought was him gagging. “Rafa...Rafa...are you okay?” she gasped.

“Yes.” She heard some shuffling, then some water running. “Sorry. I puked.”

“Mommy? Is that my daddy?”

She looked up and saw Lucy standing in the doorway, tugging her shirt and hopping foot to foot. “Do you need to go potty? Go on and go, and then you can talk to Daddy, okay?” The little girl nodded, then ran past her mother to the ensuite.

“She’s awake?” Rafael asked. “Did she do okay on the ride down yesterday?”

“Yeah, just kept asking when she’d see you again. Hold on.” She handed the phone to her daughter, who was now standing next to her and bouncing at the knees.

“Daddy?” she asked, then giggled. “Uh-huh! I did! Uh-huh...yeah...yeah...I think so...no, it doesn’t...no I won’t...you so funny, Daddy! I wove you too. Otay bye-bye!” She handed the phone back to her mother. “Here. Do we gots any Tocoa Puffs?”

Vanessa made a face. “I don’t think so, but you can look. There’s no milk right now, though.”

“Tay!” she yelled, already in the kitchen.

“I should probably go supervise that,” she told him, and he softly chuckled. 

“Yeah, okay. Can I call you tonight, after she’s asleep? Have a little grown up time?”

“Yeah, or you could come down here and get some for real.”

He sighed. “No matter what, you know I choose you, right? You know I love you with my whole heart, right?”

“I choose you too,” she murmured. “I love you, Rafael. Talk to you tonight.”

*****

The apartment was eerily quiet without his wife and daughter.

He decided to start his day with a long shower, and turned the water on to run as hot as he could stand it, to start. He’d already had two cups of coffee this morning, and he was still exhausted. His sleep had been rocky, to say the least, for the last six months. But since he unplugged Drew’s ventilator a few days ago, he’d hardly slept at all. And with Vanessa gone, he didn’t think he’d be sleeping comfortably anytime soon.

Even she couldn’t excuse what he’d done this time. But he hadn’t had a choice. Six months ago, they’d faced a very similar situation with Lola. Her brain had been deprived of oxygen too long, and the majority of her bodily functions were lost or failing. Machines were keeping her young body alive, but every bit of what they’d know of her no longer existed. They had talked for hours, prayed with ministers, consulted with doctors, even read everything from articles in neuroscience to verses from the Bible. And in the end, they had agreed the right thing to do was to unplug the ventilator and let Lola go to God. It had in one moment been both the most painful and peaceful experience of his life. When he stood before Drew a few days ago, Maggie sobbing by his side, all he could think about were the wings of his Lola. Lola was finally free, free of all the pain and abuse she’d suffered, and Drew could be free, too. Drew had a right to be free, he’d convinced himself. So did Maggie and Aaron.

Because the one thing he’d felt and never admitted aloud was the freedom he’d felt once Lola had died.

He couldn’t admit it to anyone yet. It had taken months to admit to himself, that there was a part of him that felt tremendous relief. Relief at not being trapped in Lola’s painful world, a world that still consistently revolved around her egocentric thinking, her pathological and predatory nature. Relief at not bearing the guilt of Lola’s actions and not being able to fix her. Even relief at being able to focus his time and energy on his lively, innocent preschooler, instead of the intense ongoing therapy Lola was receiving, and may always need. 

He knew Maggie and Aaron’s suffering was very different than his. They had a small baby, one who would never talk or walk, or even smile and recognize them. But all their baby knew was pain, much like his Lola. And there had to be a better remedy than being stuck in purgatory, waiting for a court to hash it out. When Maggie had stood there, sobbing, unable to take the last step, he’d done it for her. He’d prayed to the God he was trying to believe in again, said the words that he’d been taught were holy, and then pressed the button that would end Drew’s life, and hopefully, eventually, end their grief as well.

The shower was hot and he adjusted the temperature down just slightly, then began to soap his body. If his wife were here, he’d have pulled her in with him. Despite the fact that she was overwhelmed by his actions, he knew she would still do anything he asked her to if it brought either of them comfort. They’d always leaned on each other for that, and Vanessa had never failed him. Even the other night, after he finally got home, she’d sat up and listened to him talk and held him when he cried. It hadn’t been until yesterday, early morning, when she was shoving things in a duffel bag at five a.m., that he’d clued in that he’d finally tipped the scale. He’d finally laid something at her feet that was too big, too overwhelming, even for her. What was it she’d said this morning? That she couldn’t breathe. He’d taken away her ability to breathe, so much so that she’d fled New York with Lulu and he had no idea when she’d be back.

_ “I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing, Ness...Maggie was in so much pain, and every word out of her mouth, it sounded like your voice. And that baby...that angelic little boy, who looked so perfect, surrounded by roses and his mother and the music of Bach, and he’d never know any of it. Even our Lola, at least she had some of that during her life...Drew had none...I had to, Ness...I had no choice.” His voice broke as he sobbed against her shoulder. “How could I do nothing and still face you, or Lucy, or anyone I love? How could I sit idly by and allow a baby to suffer needlessly? I couldn’t...I’m so sorry, but I couldn’t…” _

_ For a long time she’d said nothing, but he’d been wrapped up in her, head on her shoulder and her arms around him. She stroked his back and kissed his hair and his face. Every once in awhile, he’d heard her shush him gently, and after a bit, she’d rocked him as though he were a baby. Finally, she had simply whispered, “I love you, Rafael. You’re a good man and I love you.” And eventually he’d felt her tears too, wetting his hair and his face, and they cried together. _

He rinsed off completely, then leaned back against the tile for a minute, palming his cock. Sex was always a great stress reliever for him, and he was pretty sure that Vanessa would go along with his plan for phone sex tonight. After all, she didn’t seem angry with him, just overwhelmed. And maybe an orgasm might help her, too. With that thought, he decided to wait until later. Rinsing off one more time, he turned off the water, then grabbed a towel and climbed out.

***

It was cold and damp all day in North Carolina, and being right on the beach made it misty as well. Vanessa and Lucy went to the grocery store, then stopped by the old coffee shop and got drinks and cookies. They weren’t as good as hers, when she and Rafael owned it. There was no sign of Dana, the neighbor who had bought the place, or her family, and Vanessa didn’t recognize anyone working there. “Guess what, Lulu? Momma and Daddy used to own this place,” she told her daughter as they ate chocolate chip cookies inside the car, in the coffee shop parking lot. “Daddy made the coffee and Mommy made the goodies.”  _ We should’ve stayed, _ she thought to herself. Given up their careers in law enforcement and stayed right where they were. Lucy could have been a beach baby and Max could visit during holidays and the summer, like he was doing now that Bobby had moved back to Quantico. And Lola...maybe Lola would have somehow been spared. Maybe she would have died years before when her father tried to kill her, rather than suffering for all the time she and Rafael had fought so hard to give her some kind of life. Just a shattered little girl with no soul, she thought, tossing her trash in the trash bag she kept in her car.

“Dat sounds tool, Mom! Didja get to eat tookies every day?” she asked, chocolate smeared around her face.

Vanessa couldn’t help but smile at her. Something about her face looked just like her husband’s, and she couldn’t help but see him in her bright green eyes. “I think Daddy did,” she teased, wiping the chocolate off of Lucy’s mouth. Lucy made a face.

She made them an easy dinner of chicken and rice with green beans, Lucy’s vegetable of the month, then drew a hot bath for her daughter. Lucy played in the water an extra long time this evening before Vanessa insisted she get out and dry off. The little girl picked out a book from the ones in her backpack, and they lay down on her bed to read.

“Do the voices, Mom,” Lucy instructed her, so she did her best to be a bedraggled princess, a snotty prince, and a dragon. Lucy giggled and snorted and squealed with delight, until the end of the story. 

“And that, my love, is why you do NOT need a prince for a happily ever after,” Vanessa announced to her, just as she’d done every time she’d read The Paper Bag Princess over the last five years.

“But hey Momma,” Lucy said, holding up one finger, “But, but what if I WANT a prince for a happy ever after? Wike, wike you gots Daddy and he’s your prince, wight?”

Vanessa sighed. “You’re right. If you want one, I guess it’s okay...but make sure you don’t get a snotty one like Ronald, okay? Because that would lead to a lifetime of being annoyed, and you don’t want that. Trust me.”

“No, I hate bein’ ‘nnoyed, Momma,” Lucy agreed. “Sometimes you and Daddy ‘nnoy me and it’s not fun.”

Vanessa stuck her tongue out, then tickled her daughter lightly. “I love you, my sweet baby girl. Kisses, please.” Lucy kissed her mother’s cheek and Vanessa tucked her under the blankets, then turned out the light.

By the time Rafael called that night, Lucy was fast asleep in bed and Vanessa was in her sweats, curled up in the master bedroom on her tablet. He rang in on skype, just as she figured he would, and she answered. Turning the tablet around, she stated flatly, “You’re naked.” She glanced down at her super-unsexy sweats and suddenly remembered what he’d mentioned doing earlier. The reason for his call.

“Don’t act surprised,” he told her, grinning almost proudly. “You knew why I was calling, right? I mean, I said earlier I’d call after she went to bed…”

“And I told you to come and get some  _ here. _ ” She took a sip of her soda, then set the cup back on the nightstand. “God, sometimes you’re such a man.” Pausing one more time, she finally admitted, “Sorry...I forgot. It’s been a day.”

He wiggled his cock at her, and when she didn’t respond, he sighed. “Do you want me to let you go?”

“No,” she replied. “Hey guess what? Somebody new owns the shop. And the coffee and cookies are not so good anymore. I bet the locals talk about us still and wish we’d come back!”

He chuckled. “l did brew a mean cup.”

“You did. Your joe always made my baked goods taste better.”

“We made a good pair.” He shifted his phone around. “Still do.”

Ther conversation easily moved on to sex. They’d always used sex as a way to bond, to comfort one another, to communicate ther love and affection for one another. They knew each other well, and both worked to move things along pretty quickly. She knew tonight that she wasn’t going to climax--she didn't even want to--so once he had finished, she told him she was done as well. 

He stopped his rather colorful commentary about her vagina mid-sentence and made a face. “Unless l majorly missed something, you didn't come, did you?”

She shook her head. “Not in the mood. Sorry.”

He was quiet for a minute. “You just gave me a pity phone-fuck?”

She laughed in spite of herself. “It wasn’t a pity fuck. I did it because l love you and I wanted you to feel that, and know that, okay?” She winked at him and added, “Besides, it wasn’t on the phone. It was on the tablet.”

“Your need for accurate detail is astonishing,” he said sarcastically. “But you know what? I love you and miss you, Ness. I wanted to make you feel good tonight...and if you don’t want that in a sexual way, that’s fine...but tell me how I can make you feel good tonight in another way.” His face was serious but thoughtful. He’d always been a sweet and thoughtful lover.

“Just tell me you love me,” she said softly. “That even if l led us to make the wrong decision about Lola, even if I'm here instead of in Manhattan, you love me and want me.” She felt her eyes grow wet with tears once again.

“I’ll always love you and want you, querida,” he murmured. “Anything else is simply not possible. Hasn’t been since the first time I touched you.”

“It would be nice to curl up against that body you’ve been teasing me with for the last half hour,” she sighed. “That would be wonderful.”

“When you get home,” he promised. “When you feel you can breathe again. You and Lu will come home, and you’ll be sleeping right here beside me again. I’ll be holding you again, and we’ll be spooned just like always.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, purposely ignoring the possibility of his arrest looming in the background. “That’s what I want.”

“Me too,” he told her. “You and Lucy here again. Te amo, Nessie.”

“Goodnight, Rafael.”


End file.
